Aging, cafes, eating and kids

Birthday number 44 is fast approaching and this one seems to be the toughest yet. I didn't have a problem with 39 or 40 or 41, but this one is throwing me for a loop.

I think that some of it is due to the fact that I started a second family later in life and am having to wait even longer for my "life" to start. I've been a mom since I was 16 years old, not that I don't love my kids because I do. I'm a better and more patient mom this time around and I wouldn't trade this time for anything. I'm just ready for another phase. I do however, keep hearing my mom's voice in the back of my head telling me that I gave up my life when I decided to have kids. More specifically when I decided to have one at 16, but that's another story.

Patience has never been a virtue of mine and I am so ready to start my cafe or mobile food cafe. I know I can do this, I know I can make this work. I know that I can support myself and my family with my talents. I even think I can get my siblings involved somehow too. I just need that break. I need to figure out how to fund this and I need to do it soon. Before I am old and gray and don't have the energy to pull it off.

I realize that age is just a number but 44 is a shitty, shitty number I'm so afraid that it's going to quickly turn into 45, then 50 and then my kids will be out of the house and Dan will be ready to retire and I still will not have realized my goals.

I am making positive steps, I'm researching menu items and getting ready to sign up for a business plan course, but I'm also afraid that doing all this is just an exercise in futility. I'm at a point of wanting to get on with it or just give up. Not a good place to be, not at all