REvamping. REnewing My Life and Blog

I am hoping to revamp this blog into something useful for people and family members of those suffering from silent and invisible illnesses. 

Over the last few years, I have been afflicted with a silent condition.  The condition is Fibromyalgia.  I also live with PTSD and depression.  I have a son who suffered a TBI a little over a year ago and we, as a family, are learning to live and cope with these issues.  And hopefully, along the way, offer some inspiration and solidarity to people quietly living with these issues. 

 I hope I gain new readers and friends on this journey.  

Life Altering Circumstances and Stuff Like That.

When I first started this blog, I had great aspirations and hope that I would eventually own either a bakery or food truck.  Those dreams, through various twists and turns and roads not taken, have been squished, squashed, imploded, blown to smithereens. 

I have recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia.  I've known for years that something hasn't been quite right.  I just pretended that the tingling, itching, aching, throbbing pain was what everyone felt.  I remember asking my husband..."Don't your hurt all the time" and him replying with a simple "no".  

That was years ago.  I spent the next years just assuming that I would eventually have enough of the pain to actually visit my doctor, get a magic pill and all would be well.  That is not at all how it went down.  

So, now I have a diagnosis and a lot of anger and lots and lots of questions.  

 

On Conversion and Whoopie Pies

On Conversion and Whoopie Pies

Over the course of several years, I have experienced a conversion in both some of my political ideals and my religious views.  And I also have resumed my pursuit of a bakery/cafe. 

Still a left-leaning, no.  A God leaning liberal.  I have become somewhat passionate about pro-life issues, where a few years ago, I avoided them like the Ebola virus.  My passion includes all aspects of life...physician assisted suicide, abortion, and death penalty.  I have come, after years of prayer and study, that all life is sacred.  That all life is subject to Natural Law and deserves to exist from conception to natural death.  

My ideas of what being open-minded has also changed quite a bit.  The idea that everything is ok, as long as it effects no one else has taken an interesting new twist for me.  There is one truth, everyone doesn't have a different truth that is so subjective as to be non-existent.  Again, I blame this on my active prayer life and maturing in God.  

I have in this time, gained a new respect for my God given talent in the culinary realm.  I am a gifted cook/baker.  I have finally come to own that fact.  Using this blog as a showcase for that talent is something I look forward to.  

So, in a nutshell; I'm back and ready to shake or stir things up a bit.  Welcome and hold on to your hat!

Pamphlets

I have been a Catholic my entire life and until the last two election cycles, have never received voter information.  I find it a bit disturbing that I have a hierarchy who thinks it's acceptable to tell me what to vote for and what to lobby against.

Over the last couple of weeks, there have been pamphlets in the pews from the Colorado Catholic Conference stating that I need to "Protect Traditional Marriage".  I am to vote no on Civil Union Legislation.  And if I fail to vote in this way I am somehow failing to protect women and children.

I fail to see how civil union legislation passing endangers women and children.  I'd love for someone to explain this to me.  These people of the Colorado Catholic Conference had better come up with a more compelling reason for me to vote or not vote for something than silly scare tactics.


Don't get me wrong, I support my church's stand on most issues and follow all the doctrinal issues with fidelity.  But telling me what to vote for and not to vote for is not one of those things that they have jurisdiction over.

I am a citizen of the United States.  And as a citizen of this country I am guaranteed the right to vote as I see fit.  As long as I cultivate a good conscience and vote using that conscience, the church has no right to tell me how to vote. 

Of all the ills plaguing society and all the issues that work against women and children, civil unions is at the bottom of this list.  When am I going to start seeing pamphlets addressing poverty and domestic violence lining the pews of my church?

Sunday morning you look just fine

Temper flairs and internet set up to the television apparently go hand in hand...for me anyway. This morning the husband and I tried to set up our new Blockbuster Movie Pass to our tv. The impatient side of me comes out. I should always do the physical side of things as I get so frustrated while trying to get the husband-type person to do the things that seem so easy to me, yet so perplexing for him. I am thinking that the problem is with my direction and not his reception. hmm, food for thought, food for thought.

Going to mass...

I'm going through a spiritual dry spot. I know that I need to attend mass this morning, but with this new job I'm finding myself becoming very possessive of my personal time.

Another consideration could be that my pastor is out of the country, visiting his home country of Nigeria and I am really missing his homilies.

Our fill-in priest is perfectly acceptable. In fact, he's the former pastor. I have just become accustomed to MY pastor and his style. Not to mention, I will have to reteach my ears in how to understand Father Kazito's accent when he returns.

Sin

On a forum where I post, the question of sin has come up.  What is sin?  Is sin not sin if you don't believe it?

 My perspective is as a Catholic.  As a fairly well informed Catholic. 

I do not believe sin to be subjective or ever changing depending on the circumstance.  Sin is sin.  If you steal you steal.  If you fool around on your husband you fooled around on your husband.  What I do think changes is the level at which we will be judged for those sins.

The mom who steals because her children are hungry, has stolen, there is no disputing that fact.  The person who screwed around on their spouse, has broken his/her sacramental vows.  No doubt.  The sin is still a sin.  It is there, it never changes.  There is no degrees to the sin.  It just is.  It just exists.

What does change in this scenario at the end of our early existence, I believe, is God's mercy.  God alone sees the big picture attached to our sin.  The sin is stealing, but He sees the intent and the motivation behind the scenes.  Is this a single mom stealing to feed her kids, is it an angry young man taking stereos from cars to sell for partying because he has no direction in life, through a lifetime of neglect and abuse.  Only God will know this. 

I think we are going to be judged on the level of our understanding and experience.  At least I have great hope that God is going to take that track.  If he loves us individually, each of us, since before we were born, I cannot imagine that that great mercy and love isn't going to extend to the end of our lives too...

I'm counting on it  

One Day at a Time

No, I'm not an alcoholic, just a middle aged woman trying to wrap my head around the fact that I'm a middle aged woman! This working full time after 14 years of part time work is a little difficult. I've survived one month with my new position and while it is getting easier to navigate the job...Waking up at 3:30 Tues through Sat is not so easy. I think about writing in here everyday, but I just don't seem to get to it. I will do better though, as I have so much to say

What I really want to do...

What I really want to do is bake, but real life and real world situations are keeping me from it. This is my calling, and the frustration of not being able to make that a reality is very disheartening. I don't mind working at a job that I don't particularly want for a while, I understand that I need to be flexible in this life. But as a middle aged woman, I need to know when it's going to be my turn? Now, this appears to be turning into a whiny bitch session, and I didn't mean for it to be that. I'll be back later today, after work, when I am facing 2 days off. If anyone reads this, have a great day! And I mean that sincerely!

A New Chapter

It's been a while since I've written on this blog. Most of the people following it probably won't even remember who I am.

I think I need this back in my life to help me work through this transition though.

After almost 14 years of sporadic part time employment, I have re-entered the full time workforce. Dan, my husband quit a position that moved us closer to Denver and I have found myself in need of full time employment.

I have begun a career as an "Executive Resolutions" team member at a provider of satellite television. Yes, I am a glorified customer service agent!

I took this position in early December and am now out of my first phase of training. I'm not sure whether this is the career path that I will remain on, but for now it's rather interesting. And it's a pretty good gig, the biggest down-side being that during this training phase I am tethered to a telephone for 8 hours a day.

After years of laid back positions, it's been a little difficult adjusting to a more restrictive, tabs kept on me, environment. We'll have to wait and see how it goes. But for now, it's where I am and I need to make the best of the situation.

I have met some wonderful people on this journey, both men and women, who are turning out to be a sort of extended family for me. Everything from former military to newly separated, to pregnant with first child, to furloughed airline attendant, to single mom and divorced men to me...former stay at home mom with aspirations of owning her own bakery.

So, come along with me on this journey...you never know what's going to happen next in this girl's life.

On the road...

It was a warm May day that we left Grand Junction on. I quietly cried for a good portion of the drive through Rifle. I had quit my job, pulled Darcy out of gymnastics and left my friends. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself.

We got to Rocky Mountain National Park in the evening. We drove through Moraine Park and up the road to our house, it was chilly and damp. I don't remember much about unpacking but I do remember going down the hill behind our house to the road below to look around and the first thing I saw was a very large coyote (or it seemed to me) on the road below us. It scared me, something that I got over quickly because of the sheer volume of coyotes I saw in the park this summer.

The next day Dan had to go to work. We woke up to the house sitting at 54 degrees and 2 small space heaters were not going to change that much. I drove Dan to work, then came home and attempted to keep the kids busy. It was the tail-end of winter in RMNP and it snowed all day, wet, end of cold season snow.

The kids ventured outside in the afternoon and started exploring their yard (ever mindful of the coyote they saw the day before). We had 10 long hours to fill as Dan was working as a Volunteer coordinator with the National Park Service for 4 ten hour days a week. And believe me when I tell you that 10 hours is a long time to fill given that we had no television or computer. The adjustment was a long and painful one those first few weeks.

Rocky Mountain Days...

I wish I were a great writer, a conveyor of what I see and think.

Ever since we left Estes Park for home I've had ideas for a blog. A blog that would be life altering and put some perspective on my experiences living in Rocky Mountain National Park for summer. For it was a multi-sided experience. Sheer frustration, great joy, loneliness, awe inspiring beauty, pride in my children and husband, a new appreciation for nature and the majesty of the mountains of Colorado. I cannot do justice to,with my limited writing ability, the experiences I've had this summer. Though I will try.

My ideas are clear, I just wish I could put them down on these pages so that you would understand how this experience has changed me.

I will give it my best shot.

More CSAP Garbage

Well, I've now taken to carrying a tape recorder with me when I pick my son up from school.

Last week my son was very ill and out of school the entire week. We took him to the ER Sunday and he was diagnosed with Bronchitis and sent home on a nebulizer and codeine cough medicine. Monday morning I received a phone call from the ER doctor and was told Ben had strep. So antibiotics were ordered and I called the school to makeup work ready to be picked up.

I was put on hold by the school secretary and suddenly the principal was on the line. Asking me how Ben was and how much he was missed (I started at that point to get suspicious as she's never inquired as to his illnesses that kept him from school before). She then immediately went into another spiel telling me why Ben should take the CSAP (that was coincidentally going on while Ben was sick) It was just a regurgitation of everything covered in the meeting the week before. I said "I'll talk to my husband about it" and hung up.

Later that day as I was picking up Ben's work from his classroom teacher, the teacher accosted me too. Only her approach was much worse. She stated that Ben not taking the test is going to jeopardize the rest of the field trips for the year and the class's participation in an upcoming play. I asked why? She stated that it had to do with percentages of kids taking the test. All I said in response was "Well, maybe the school or class needs to come up with different criteria for participation, especially since the test results don't come back until next year. Then she patted me on the back and said "Well dear, it's your decision".

This conversation took place in front of my son's entire class.

Ben will not be taking the makeup CSAP and I will now begin recording each and every conversation the principal and the teacher has with me.

Organics!

The link provided today is a site called PickYourOwn.org. It's a lists of organic farms in your state.

I want to try to make it easier to buy local for everyone.

What exactly is organic you ask?

For meats it means the animal was given no growth hormones or antibiotics. Which means you and your children are not getting unnecessary hormone or antibiotic exposure.

For vegetables it means that the vegetables are minimally processed and without artificial ingredients or irradiation or toxic fertilizers

I found a site that will help with the meanings of the labels you find it's calledEco-labels.org, which will help you discern between state's labels
Eco-Labels


The other side of the coin is finding foods produced as close to your place of residence as possible. You want to eat as closely to the source as you possibly can. Which means buying from local farmers whenever possible. Many farmers have situations where you can buy shares of their season and be provided with fresh fruit and vegetables all season long.

To get closer to your meat products there is one site in particular that can connect you with local meat producers who graze feed their animals. EatWild


There are many options to bring you and your family closer to the source living. Do some research!

Aging, cafes, eating and kids

Birthday number 44 is fast approaching and this one seems to be the toughest yet. I didn't have a problem with 39 or 40 or 41, but this one is throwing me for a loop.

I think that some of it is due to the fact that I started a second family later in life and am having to wait even longer for my "life" to start. I've been a mom since I was 16 years old, not that I don't love my kids because I do. I'm a better and more patient mom this time around and I wouldn't trade this time for anything. I'm just ready for another phase. I do however, keep hearing my mom's voice in the back of my head telling me that I gave up my life when I decided to have kids. More specifically when I decided to have one at 16, but that's another story.

Patience has never been a virtue of mine and I am so ready to start my cafe or mobile food cafe. I know I can do this, I know I can make this work. I know that I can support myself and my family with my talents. I even think I can get my siblings involved somehow too. I just need that break. I need to figure out how to fund this and I need to do it soon. Before I am old and gray and don't have the energy to pull it off.

I realize that age is just a number but 44 is a shitty, shitty number I'm so afraid that it's going to quickly turn into 45, then 50 and then my kids will be out of the house and Dan will be ready to retire and I still will not have realized my goals.

I am making positive steps, I'm researching menu items and getting ready to sign up for a business plan course, but I'm also afraid that doing all this is just an exercise in futility. I'm at a point of wanting to get on with it or just give up. Not a good place to be, not at all

CSAP Drama Unfolds

I would like from the beginning of this note commend Ben’s teacher and the school’s principal for taking the time to discuss the CSAP testing issue. While I don’t think the conclusion of the meeting was to their liking, they were most gracious and put forth excellent arguments for Ben taking the test.

We had a lively debate regarding the bad and good of standardized testing and standards in general.

I, of course, was the boisterous contrast to my husband’s laid back, “authority” figure. He and I compliment each other well and make a pretty good team. His ability to command attention is the opposite of mine, but most effective and will serve him well in his pursuit of administrative positions in any educational environment.

The pressure for the school in getting the students all on board is immense and the pressure to pass is even more so. And I fully sympathize with the administration’s almost desperate situation. Control of the school hangs in the balance if more and more parents decide that their child shouldn’t be taught to a test.

I will at this point make the point that Ben’s school does a fabulous job balancing teaching the test and including other subjects not covered, providing a good all around education. That is precisely why Ben is attending that particular school. But the principal even conceded that there are many schools who spend their entire day and year teaching children how to and what’s only on the test exclusively.

Ben’s teacher has a heavy emphasis on Science in her class, something that isn’t taught on the test. And my husband and I appreciate that. It’s the fact that not all teachers are as conscientious in this area.

The punitive nature of the testing itself is enough for me to say no to it. There is no reward for doing well on the test. There is only the promise of continued autonomy as long as you are up to par. Not to mention the amount of money it costs to administer and grade the tests.

There are so many reasons that Ben will not be taking the test and the situation would have laid less heavily on my mind had his principal not been so reasonable and agreeable.

What it comes down to is that it’s the principle of the matter, a matter of differing philosophy, an unwillingness to work within the system if working within that system means my child will be taught to take a test. It’s the fact that Federal mandates are bullying our children’s districts and schools to adhere to punitive and negative policies that will keep my children from a full and liberal education.

CSAP Drama Begins!

Well, I just got a phone call from my son's principal regarding the letter sent her last week. She wants to meet with me and Dan regarding Ben's not participating in CSAP testing.

In the phone conversation she started the pressure tactics. Intimating that I don't understand the impact that his not testing will have on the school. But as I have stated before, the school exists for benefit of my child, my child does not exist for the benefit of the school!

To be continued...

Weddings and Moms

My eldest child Todd, is getting married this July. I'm so proud and happy as he picked a delightful young woman to spend his life with

I am trying to come up with something that I can make for them as a keepsake. Something that screams DANDY!

Here's what I don't want

Cute frilly crap! Like in the clipart I just uploaded I don't do cute

I was thinking an altered book of wedding life, but I'm not sure which book to use. Maybe a Maya Angelou (though I feel guilty about even touching or using her words in that way. Kind of a blasphemy) But she's so wise and I could use lines from her books so easily.

I need to find the perfect book. The book that has enough of a love story with enough good lines to make it sweet and enough sappy lines to make it smartassable.

Or I am very good at embroidery but I can't find sort of design that isn't frilly and makes me want to puke.

Anyone who reads this, (though I see few do) with an idea, please post!

Bagels

I have a hankerin' for bagels. Real, chewy doughy bagels. Last night I was reading a comfort foods cookbook and ran across a recipe for bagels that looked fairly easy and made only 18. Eighteen seems a manageable amount to me for a bagel recipe.

I like my bagels rather traditional in flavor. Egg, or plain with sesame or poppy seeds. No fancy shmancy chili bagel with cheddar jack mixed in. A nice plain bagel with a smear of good cream cheese.

In search of a recipe!

Penny Social

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